thank you...

...for dressing up crazy when doing chores while growing up.
...for not practicing what my piano teacher assigned me & composing my own music instead.
...for taking dance classes and wearing leotards during the most awkward years.
...for refusing to play the clarinet when i really wanted to play drums.
...for quitting dance to join taekwando.
...for continuing to play music even after the teachers said i shouldn't because i am a girl.
...for keeping journals full of writings and drawings.
...for remaking musicals in the basement during sleepovers & filming them.
...for taking acting classes at the community playhouse.
...for carrying those fucking heavy drums and not bitching.
...for singing in a musical in front of my entire middle school.
...for drawing all over everything.
...for auditioning for music scholarships to go to music school.
...for taking photos.
...for always writing letters & notes to friends & family.
...for spelling words the british way whenever possible.
...for going to music school.
...for drawing & painting really bad portraits of friends, then giving them to them for their birthdays.
...for considering going to art school.
...for cooking.
...for learning so much about music.
...for scraping together a portfolio out of the weirdest material to get admitted to art school.
...for being a pen.pal.
...for pursuing a bachelors of fine arts.
...for doing performances in front of classmates.
...for being in an art collective & collaborating on performances & installations.
...for having a studio dedicated solely to the purpose of creative expression & collaboration.
...for booking a solo art show nine months from now.
...for taking notes.
...for making cookies with roasted garlic in them.
...for continuing to fill books & journals with writings, photos, drawings & collage.
...for experimenting with different paint mediums.
...for creating a sound installation with my voice & my friends' voices.
...for being fearless while drawing with pens.
...for self educating myself on everything i can.
...for knowing i still know nothing.
...for loving other artists.
...for knowing that i will play music again soon.
...for aspiring to be something and pushing myself everyday.
...for continuing on the journey of the uncovering of my magic.

what am i doing?

this question has presented itself on a number of occasions in the last 24 hours. i have found no answers.

i am delving into myself. i want to learn. i want to find all of things i have hidden away in all of the dark corners. i wish to blow off the dust and look at these old treasures with new eyes...with a new perspective in this new time. i wonder what i will do with them now. now that i have so many new tools...new strengths.

at this moment, there is a sadness draping my thoughts. its presence is felt but not overpowering. i am trying use it to some advantage. ideally i would like to gain some perspective. this is me being optimistic. i am always being optimistic. i never want to offend anyone. i am always accomodating of everyone else's needs. i am nice.

why? what? why am i school? why am in portland? what am i doing now? what am i doing with my life? why am i here?